Saturday, June 30, 2012
Will you be there, Mommy?
The conversation continued, and I could see my Joseph's delight at this unexpectedly happy mommy (trying to get everyone dressed, fed, and out the door does not often bring out my giddy side!). But, it was a Saturday and we weren't so rushed.
When my jaw hurt from my best statue voice, the Joseph/St. Joseph conversation ended with, "Be a good boy today, Joseph. I'm watching you from heaven today!" The smile vanished from my Joseph's face. He walked over to the bed and looked sad. Puzzled, I waited.
"I don't want to go, Mommy." I wondered if he was talking about the grocery store (I didn't really want to go either). "To heaven," he replied. OH...pretty serious topic before coffee!
He continued, "Do you want me to go?" The answer welled up inside of me...NO! NO! NO!..at least not until I'm there to welcome you, that is. Innocently, he had hit on one of my biggest fears...losing him (or one of his siblings).
I'm still a new mom (my oldest is not yet 6), but I used the reassuring tone that defied my feelings (I assumed this was the proper tone) as I told him that nothing would make me happier than if he went to heaven. This is the TRUTH...but, suddenly I wanted to go back to our silly statue talk about spiderman.
I gave him a hug and turned away. "Will you be there, Mommy?" A memory rushed into my head of myself at age 4 asking my mother if I could hold her hand and go up to heaven with her. I still remember the shock when she said no...the raw emotions are still the same when I think of it today!