Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Lord God, I have no idea where we are going...

I hate making decisions these days. I know that I am blessed to have choices, but the process is leaving me feeling totally wiped out these days.

First we had to pick a realtor to sell our house. Perhaps for most people, this does not become so personal. We had four realtors into our home to interview. Three of the four passed with flying colors. I sent several follow-up e-mails to those three asking many questions to see which would best "fit". The problem with this? I started to build a relationship with these realtors. Albeit, a working relationship based solely on the fact that they wanted my business(!), but it was still a relationship.

And, as I grow up, I realize that I am a very relational person! I really like people. I didn't realize how much I like people until I became a stay-at-home mom spending the majority of my day with little people. I love the little people dearly, but they do not fill my social needs. Nor should they! But, I thank God daily for my girlfriends, and for preschool pickup and story time where I continue to meet moms to share this journey with!

So, we picked a realtor and we are happy. But, picking one meant rejecting two. I wrote the rejection e-mails in my head over-and-over one sleepless night. How silly that this should keep me up!!! Thank goodness, my husband agreed to write the rejections and I have moved on...from that decision!

Yesterday something MOST unexpected happened. I finished a medical transcription course in December. I worked long hours for nine months to complete this course. I was SO proud. I immediately sent out over a hundred resumes convinced that it would be a matter of days. I was 6 months pregnant at the time, but I had it all planned how I would explain to the employer after I was hired that I would need to take minimal maternity leave. 

And...then I waited. And waited. Sent out many more resumes. Nothing. I started to read online how this field is quickly going away and being replaced by computers who could transcribe. A call to a local company confirmed it. The manager explained how many transcriptionists she had laid off in the past few years.

It was funny (?) how none of these forums of frustrated newbie transcriptionists seemed to pop up on google when I first looked into the field. Perhaps I didn't look very long! One thousand dollars of hard-earned money gone. No job. I really did enjoy the training as I love to learn, but I was hoping to have something to show for it.

I had my precious baby in April and forgot about it. I would have still loved to do something for a little money and intellectual fulfillment, but this was not the right time. My untapped self would need to stay untapped for now! God's will is so apparent in the immediate needs of my five angels.

Then...yesterday. Almost immediately after the "for sale" sign went out on the lawn. A phone call from a doctor offering me...a transcription job!!! During hours when my husband could be home with the kids so we would not need a sitter (I thought I wanted to work from home, but I would be the slowest transcriptionist in PA with all the interruptions!). A set schedule, good starting pay...everything that I have prayed for! The baby is only 3 months, but she's pretty much on an eating and sleeping schedule that I could tweak to work part-time (the job is close to my house too!).

Another sleepless night. I was supposed to start training today.

During my Hail Marys and my "Holy Spirit, inspire me" prayers begging for help to make the right decision about whether to take the job or not, an answer came.

Putting our house on the market has been a priority for this year. We have worked hard to get the house ready. It is now ready. We know that it will be quite a roller coaster until it is sold and we are (please God) settled into our new home. I have to get five happy (?) children out the door with an immaculate house countless times until we have a contract. This will be very stressful.

Me working out of the home will also be very stressful. It could be wonderful once we are all settled into the new routine of Daddy doing dinner, bath, and bedtime three nights a week. The older four would probably not even miss me, but the baby would miss me terribly. Her little face kept popping into my mind as I discerned. And, when would we show the house if I was working three weeknights? My husband is very good at many things, but I don't have much confidence that he could pull this off!

So, I did not take the job. I called this morning and poured my heart out to the doctor's voicemail. I said I could not accept this amazing opportunity that literally fell into my lap.

It is not the right time. The cost to my family would be much too great. It could possibly "work", and we could most certainly use the money. But, I have to trust that God will continue to provide for us. And, that another opportunity will come at the right time.

For right now (could change any minute), I only have regular decisions to make: where to take the kids on a 100 degree day with a heat advisory so we don't get too restless, and what's for dinner. I can handle these.  But, I pray that God will always be by my side as I make decisions. Thomas Merton's prayer comes to mind:

“My Lord God I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”


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